Why Punishment and Threats Don’t Work—and What To Do Instead

If you've ever watched your child completely unravel because their sandwich was cut the "wrong" way, you're not alone—and there's a good reason for it. Young children aren't being dramatic or manipulative; their brains are still under construction. One of the last parts of the brain to fully develop is the prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for logic, reasoning, impulse control, planning, and emotional regulation. In fact, this part of the brain doesn’t finish developing until a person’s mid-20s. So, what does that mean for your toddler or preschooler? It means that when they’re overwhelmed, tired, hungry, or frustrated, they don’t yet have the neurological wiring to pause, self-soothe, or talk it through. Instead, they melt down. Rather than seeing a meltdown as misbehavior, it can help to view it as a sign that your child is overwhelmed and needs support. In moments of dysregulation, children rely on the adults around them—whose prefrontal cortex is developed—to help co-regulate and guide them back to a sense of safety. This doesn’t mean there are no boundaries. It means we hold boundaries with compassion. When we offer connection during their hardest moments, we’re actually teaching the skills that their brain is still developing. So the next time your child loses it over the blue cup instead of the red one, take a breath. Their little brain is doing its best—and you're helping to build it, one calm connection at a time.

If your child clung to you during kindergarten orientation, refused to make eye contact, or stayed silent while others eagerly explored the classroom… I want you to know: you are not alone — and your child is not broken. And I have been in your shoes! Highly sensitive children feel more deeply, notice more detail, and often need more time to process new environments. That doesn't mean they're not ready — it just means they need to approach big transitions like this in their own way. As a parent coach, researcher, and mom to a highly sensitive child myself, I want to offer you a few gentle, grounded ways to support your child through moments like these — without pushing, rushing, or labeling them. 💛 1. Validate Their Feelings Start with connection. Say things like: “It’s okay to feel nervous. New places and people can be a lot.” When a child hears that their big feelings are normal and accepted, they begin to relax — because they know they’re not alone in them. 🤝 2. Be Their Safe Base It’s okay to stay close. You’re not “coddling” them — you’re co-regulating. When a child feels your calm, grounded presence, it helps regulate their overwhelmed nervous system. If they need to sit in your lap, hold your hand, or quietly observe from the sidelines — let that be okay. 🙊 3. Avoid Labeling Them as “Shy” This one is tough, especially when other adults comment. But calling a child “shy” can become a fixed identity that they internalize. Instead, try saying: “He likes to observe before jumping in,” or “She’s taking it all in right now.” These phrases leave room for growth and honor your child’s temperament without shame. 📖 4. Prepare with a Social Story Before the next visit, help them visualize what to expect. You can: Create a simple picture book about kindergarten orientation. Role-play the experience with stuffed animals. Walk them through the schedule: “First we’ll hang up your backpack, then we’ll meet your teacher…” For sensitive kids, predictability equals safety. 🧸 5. Look for Anchors of Comfort Point out familiar toys or introduce them to one peer. These moments build micro-connections that increase their sense of belonging. 👩‍🏫 6. Connect with the Teacher Privately Let the teacher know that your child may need time to warm up. A sensitive child will thrive when a trusted adult offers quiet warmth without pressure. Sometimes, just knowing a teacher is “in on it” can make all the difference. 🚗 7. Reflect Gently Afterwards On the way home, resist the urge to quiz. Instead, try: “I noticed you looking at the art table — what did you think?” Stay curious, not evaluative. This keeps the door open for future connection. 🌱 Final Thought: This Is a Long Game It’s not about how “well” your child did at orientation. It’s about helping them feel safe, seen, and supported — so they can build confidence at their own pace. Highly sensitive kids are deeply intuitive, thoughtful, and empathetic. With a little extra patience and a lot of connection, they can absolutely thrive. And please remember to offer yourself grace and kindness. If you walked away feeling disappointed or embarrassed, normalize these feelings and try to name them without judgement. It's okay to grieve if today did not look exactly as you had hoped. You’ve got this — and so do they. 💛